Friday, October 7, 2011

Using Flower Essences to Prepare Patients and their Families for the End of Life Transition

By Bobbi Courtney, MSW

I sat nearby my father’s hospital bed, which my family had placed in my sister’s living room. By consensus this would be the best place for all of us all to settle in and hold vigil as he would begin his journey to another home. As I turned to check on him, I was surprised his eyes were open and those eyes were summoning me closer. He was very purposeful in his gaze. I leaned over the rail to get close to his words, which had been faint and few, as he seemed on this day to be slipping away from this world. With the breath he could bring to his message, he spoke slowly. “They told me I have to say goodbye.”  I inhaled the gravity of the moment, and exhaled my surrender. “Who told you that, Daddy?” “They were just here with me …there were three of them.  They were talking to me. I don’t know them.”  He paused, “One of them is a teacher. They told me I have to say goodbye to you.” We stared into each other’s eyes. “What should I do?” he said with the pure innocence of a child. It made me realize that there is a circle in our lives. I smiled and welled up with tears. “Yes, Daddy, they are right. It is time for you to go. I am glad we have a chance to say goodbye before they take you. I love you. No worries here. We will all be ok here. I put my hand on top of his so I could honor and always remember the feel of his living body. He didn’t have fear, just a wide-eyed innocence and a need for direction. He was a bit confused and seemingly unhappy that he couldn’t bring anything with him. He whispered, “I love you, too”. 

We sat, my hand on his. I knew I had to actually find a way to fulfill the message that was given to him – that we actually had to say goodbye. I knew this would be the clarity and permission he needed to release himself from this world. He was clearly seeking my firm conviction that he should listen to his “visitors” and go with them. It reminded me of the confidence one must have when convincing a youngster that it’s ok to jump off the diving board into the water. You will rise to the top if you let the water do its job.

It felt awkward, painful and also loving… but after a while of sacred, intimate silence, I said “Goodbye, Daddy.” Maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed relieved. “its ok to go.”  With purposeful eyes, he took the first step of his journey and murmured “goodbye.”

This was really it. The end of our time here together. We had spent the past few months talking about everything we had to talk about, doing everything we had to do, and now these people, who I couldn’t see, but he could see, were here to escort him safely to the other side of the river. His eyes closed and his breathing changed and he had everyone’s blessing to step forward.

People who I couldn’t see had been visiting him for at least a month. Some were his friends who had passed on. Just a couple of weeks prior, I apparently interrupted a visit as I walked into his hospital room. As he noticed me coming in, his eyes widened with concern. As I approached, he said, “How did you get in here?”  I scrunched up my face, “through the door.”  Then he really got me. I didn’t know if it was his old morbid humor or if he was serious. “Are you dead?’ I studied his face. He looked too confused to be joking with me. I simply said “no.”  Then, he asked about himself,  “Am I dead?”  I took a deep breath to adjust to this unusual conversation. In my family’s typical matter-of-fact tone, I said, “no, you’re not dead- why did you think you were dead?”  With certainty about his conclusion, he reported that Joe, his life-long buddy, who is no longer with us had been there for a good long time just prior to my arrival. “Where is Joe now”, I asked. “Well, he walked out, he said as he nodded toward the wall.”  Some call it chemo-brain, but I call it living between the worlds. It seemed to make all the sense in the world to him, and he appeared more relaxed and grounded when I told him that he was starting to connect to the other side.

Whether a dying person is aware of it or not, I believe they do connect to the other side in preparation for death. Flower essences just enhance that ability to receive a feeling of connection and support from the other side of the river, as you are stepping into the canoe and slipping away from the dear ones on this side.

Flower essences are energetic plant extracts. In other words, they contain the energy of the plant. They are used by holistic healers in remedies and sprays to balance our energy field and help us emotionally.  Humans and plants are electrical systems that are bio-compatible. We actually resonate with, and therefore benefit from plant based vibrational remedies.  Each plant has a unique vibration that helps humans in different ways.
Some plants help us connect to higher energies which can feel very supportive, especially to someone who is preparing to cross over. As their soul force slips away from their body due to illness, it is beginning a process of ascent to a higher realm vibration and existence.  These flowers carry a resonant energy that can help people be receptive to the support and connection available to them on the other side. I always provide a selection of these plant essences when someone is making their transition. Sometimes we start the remedies months ahead of time, and they have been very helpful for those seeking a conscious death process.

I often work with entire families when a member is going to die. As a psychotherapist I can assess what each person needs in order to deal with their own perspective and issues, as well as help them move through the process in the most meaningful way that they can. For instance, common issues that surface early on for some people are feelings of fear, guilt, and helplessness for both the dying person and also their close friends and family. I address these issues in counseling and then combine plant remedies that will help bring resolution. The essences help move some of the discomfort out of the emotional system, so people aren’t stuck in cycles of pain, stress, or regret. One such plant is golden amaranthus. I usually put it in blends for everybody because it helps people deal with things that are out of their control and gain a sense of connection with a higher order. When that connection happens, their perspective on what they are experiencing can shift in helpful ways.

For the dying person, the essences can help bring resolution to unfinished business that would otherwise cause them to struggle with leaving peacefully. I remember a client I worked with for several months prior to her death. I will call her Brenda. The things that were bothering her the most as we reviewed her life were about not feeling like she had a voice that would be listened to, and that she wanted to be able to ask and receive.  I gave Brenda essences to help her speak her truth from her heart to the people in her life. She became clearer with people about what she needed from them emotionally and in terms of what help she needed.

On her final day, she still had the most painful hurt to heal. Time was running out. Her uncle had abused her as a young girl but her mother never could bring herself to believe this had occurred. I had recently given the mother a blend to help her release the armor of guilt that was making her deny what her daughter had told her as a child. Brenda’s mother needed to feel, on this sacred day, that she was a good mother. How could she feel she had been a good mother and, at the same time accept what Brenda needed her to acknowledge? During the course of the day, Brenda’s mother was able to release the guilt of the past in favor of giving Brenda the gift of peace. It took courage. I spoke for Brenda at times because she was too weak to talk. However, she was still able to give the affirmative squeeze to her mother’s finger when her mother tearfully apologized for the anguish she had caused Brenda. “I do believe you Brenda…I am so sorry I hurt you when I didn’t believe you…I believe you.” It resounded in the hearts of all three of us. The room filed with relief. I gave Brenda one more essence to help prepare her soul for travel. In the wee hours of the following morning, Brenda inhaled peacefully and let go.


Bobbi Courtney, MSW is a Psychotherapist, Certified Flower Essence Practitioner and Shaman. She was trained as a clinician at Smith College School for Social Work, and was certified as an Integrative Body-Centered Psychotherapist in Switzerland through the Institute for Somatic Psychology. Bobbi is the co-author of Nalu and you can read more articles on her blog at www.essential-healing.blogspot.com. Bobbi is available for interviews and can be reached at 978-609-0497 or email at bobbi@aurainfusions.com  Bobbi’s essence sprays can be found on www.aurainfusions.com

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Essential Healing with Bobbi- Do You Love Yourself?


Do You Love Yourself?

If this question has you stumped, join the conversation and leave a comment below at the end of the article and learn what it really means to love yourself and how the foundation of self-love is key to creating your career, a happy life, the relationships you desire, and enjoying your healthy, happy body!

What does it really mean to love yourself?
Self Love means knowing and valuing yourself for the essence of who you are – not what you earn, or do, or who likes you – just because you are you! Self-love shows up in the way you live your life by taking care of yourself the way a good parent takes care of their child or a pet. This means listening to your adult self when making decisions.

Building a relationship with your power, integrating it into who you are becoming, strengthens your voice and ability to get what you want in life.

Giving away our power is something we have been taught since childhood by unaware adults in our lives. As children we were taught to override our inner sense of knowing and our right to determine for ourselves what we want to do. We were encouraged to feel toward others that which we are discouraged from feeling about ourselves. This repression continued, most likely, in many experiences at school and in situations at work. Taking back our confidence in our inner knowing and ability to stand for our truth is self-love. With clients, I use flower essences to reactivate our ability to bring forth self-love as your “heart of knowing” what is right.

What is body Self-esteem? 
One of my most respected teachers, Emilie Conrad, (the founder of Continuum Movement) defines love as “no resistance”.  When it comes to our bodies, we actually hold resistance wherever there is judgment, held emotional pain, or an attachment to other people’s beliefs. In body-centered therapy, such as what I do, the client finds his or her body self esteem by exploring where the places of physical and emotional holding are and releasing them. The body self-esteem arises out feeling like we are safe to be our true self and this leads to a certain kind of felt sense of being strong and confident in the body. When we have no resistance to accepting and taking care of our bodies, we are able to love ourselves better. This is also associated with a better outlook on life and enjoying a healthier body.

Self-Love and Relationships  
Loving ourselves attracts others to us and allows us to open to other people in a loving way. Actually, one of my teachers, Laurie Handlers (the founder of Butterfly Workshops) emphasizes  that the relationship we have with ourselves is primary to the happiness we can find in partnership with another. Laurie explains, “when we make love, we are making love to ourselves”. I know this sounds like an oxymoron, but, think about it:  The positive feelings that come from healthy relationship come from the reservoir of love that we have for ourselves. We are sharing ourselves with our partner. Of course we share our love for our partner, but that love is transmitted through the vehicle of self-love.

Self-Love and Abundance.  
Self-love holds a belief that you deserve and can have abundance in your life.  Since your outer reality is simply a reflection of our inner reality, you start creating abundance in your life through realizing your self-worth. In other words, the vibrational content of your self-esteem is key to creating happiness in your life.

Creating abundance of love and money in your life is a parallel process to tending to your self-worth on a daily basis. This cultivation is called manifestation or actualization of the self.  The art of manifestation involves allowing the universe to support you while you use your unique gifts to fulfill your purpose in life. Self-love is knowing yourself in a larger context where you can feel and experience that you are supported. In other words, you know who you are as part of the bigger picture of the spiritual world, nature and humanity. Holding an appreciation for yourself from this perspective helps you plant yourself firmly in a reality where there is flow in your life that is in harmony with others. Embracing flow, (or synchronicity) with gratitude when it arises in our daily life raises your vibration and allows you to increase the momentum of manifestation and abundance. 

Self-esteem is the reputation you have with yourself
Could this be you? You know you are a good person, friends and family love you, but you don’t really feel loved. Because of the way we structure our self-concepts, its possible to have a positive self-image and still lack self-esteem and self-love. It’s not them, it’s YOU who needs to love you more! You receive accolades at work, but don’t feel satisfied with your self. Have you confused self-confidence with self-love? There can be blocks to self-love at our most vulnerable places, even when we are successful or confident. Why? We learn early on to judge ourselves from others who have (maybe unknowingly) judged us. Those aspects of ourselves that we judge don’t get integrated into our personality (we don’t “love” certain aspects of ourselves that we deem unattractive or unwanted). It is those dark places inside that hold us prisoner until we bring the courage and the light of acknowledgement to all the aspects of ourselves. Sometimes our self-image has been wounded. You can heal the reputation you have with yourself by taking the courage (sometimes with the help of a therapist) to explore the censored aspects that lurk in your “shadow” and therefore still have control over your life in some way. Once we identify and acknowledge how it got there, we can understand why it held your self-love hostage. At that point, it loses its power over your life. You are free to become more dynamically YOU; more satisfied and effective in love and life.

Is it time to improve your reputation with yourself?
You deserve support – accepting it is an act of self-love! For some in-depth, one-on-one time to explore these and other issues please connect with me to schedule a session.